Haunted Sleepover

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This is actually based on a true story. My memory of the fact is slightly fuzzy, but I remember this happening and it still haunts me to this day.

She had mentioned something before, said he didn’t like me! Told me to be careful when I fell asleep. So as the night ended I finished my joint and the rest of 20/20, thought fuck it I shall challenge this creep.

Now I didn’t really believe the story that had come from her mouth. She mentioned he died many years ago inside her house. She described a young man dressed in a white ruffled shirt and grey bottoms. Sitting on her bed sheets crumpled and rotten.

She would tell him of all her worries and woes, told him stories about me and he said I was a whore. Said she shouldn’t keep within my company and should kick me to the floor.

Although I thought “Alright bitch I know your being nasty,” I thought I’d go along with her elaborate story. So I said don’t worry babe I’ll sleep upon the floor, so I laid there staring intently at the door.

I don’t know why I thought a ghost would use the door conventional, the fact I was thinking it made me feel quite mental. Of course she was just chatting vomit and trying to frighten me, but the longer I laid there, less I wanted to sleep.

I fought to stay awake minutes slowly ticking by. Every little flicker getting heavy on my eyes, and just before they closed for inevitable sleep, the floor boards shook close to my ear and let out a ‘CREAK!’

I fell a slumber next to her bed and began to dream of ghosts and while that was scary what startled me the most, was the pushing and pricking I could feel upon my body. Obviously she woke up and thought she’d mess with me.

I kept my eyes closed and thought I’d catch her in the act. As soon as I feel something I’ll go into attack. A prick, a prod a shake and I’ll grab her by her hair, bring to the floor give her a good scare.

But when I went to grab her all I caught was air. I looked up above me and no body was there? I jumped up to look at her, was she really that quick? Fast asleep and snoring heavily, what was she up to this bitch?

Was she telling the truth, was this thing out to get me? Was I safe in that house, am I safe to go and pee? I crept out of her room and along the hall, trembling with fear all the while feeling like a fool.

I sat there in the bathroom and the temperature dropped, but to be honest in the bathroom it normally does. I washed my hands and went on back, walking through the hall and bedroom door then suddenly ‘Thwack!’

I was pushed and fell to the floor, but nothing was behind me, seriously no one was there. I needed to wake my friend up I was too bloody scared. I called out her name and she wouldn’t wake, so this time I had to give her a shake.

Mumbling in her sleep she wouldn’t wake up. Then I felt it pull me and I thought I’d throw up. I ran to my mattress and covers on the floor, wrapped myself up and stared at the door.

Why was I obsessing over the door, if it wanted to get me it would! And why wouldn’t my friend wake up? Then over me a figure stood. I couldn’t quite make him out but it was defiantly him pushing down on me. Pushing so hard I could barely breathe.

Did this thing really want me dead? Oxygen not going to my head, I fainted, passed out, fell back to sleep. Visions of the boy in a white shirt haunting my dreams. Even whilst sleeping I was gasping for air. Still she didn’t wake up, did she not care?

What would she do if she found me not breathing, laying there limp and lifeless. I had to do something, no more politeness. I tried to scream all whist I was dreaming. Trying to get the monster off of me. Waving my body around, trying profusely to set my soul free.

At last I wake and concerned laying next to me was my friend. Crying a river of tears maybe she did care in the end. She hugged me tight and said “Jump in with me. I wont let him get you, I’m so sorry.”

“I could hear you calling my name, hear you scream and fight and strain. But I just lay here paralyzed, struggling to open my eyes. I tried to come to the rescue stop him from hurting you, but I could not move. I thought you would die, I though you would lose!”

“Sorry!” she said stroking my arms and my back, I was bleeding and had many a scratch. I was weak and tired but could no longer sleep, and it was too early in the morning to leave. So we sat there holding each other, waiting for the boy to reappear, when suddenly the thickness drained from the atmosphere.

I looked at my friend both of us shed a tear. “You know what, I could do with a beer?!” She smiled at me and said “I got just the thing!” And we spent the rest of the early morn drinking.

I went back to stay over but always shared the bed. You know he still tried to have my head. I’d hear and feel him working the night. Trying to scare me and give me a fright.

Waiting Room

I’m sitting in the doctors waiting room, fuelled by both hope and doom. The hustle and bustle of the busy staff, the situations serious but they smile and laugh.

They try to ease the patients nerves, melt them away. Get them to forget about death today. Although weak and feeble in appearance, these are the strongest people to date.

Scanning around the gloomy interior, brave grins on their faces on the exterior. One by one a name is called, I curl up in to a trembling ball.

Nurse approaches “Hayley you’re next.” Waiting here with shortening breath. Droplets of sweat begin to transpire. Anxiety and menopause, man I’m on fire!

Closer I get the harder I breathe, a metal taste coats my teeth. My throat swells up and starts to close and suddenly fear blocks up my nose.

My body static and shaking together. The nurse while smiling, walking over, taking her hand to place on my knee. Reassuring the patient, she puts me at ease.

Please come with me, she leads the way. Am I still going to be ok? I’m nervously floating upon the floor, when I come face to face with the doctors door…

Back to School (Ch15)

This is a fictional story. Chapter 15 of ‘Death of a Teddy’ FINAL CHAPTER!

For the first time in forever we all woke up feeling relief. Those two precious creatures, their faces happily riddled with disbelief.

The smell of bacon wafting through the halls and climbing up the stairs, inviting us all to rush down and jump into our chairs.

Dad is at the stove cooking up a storm. A feast is coming making us fuzzy and warm.

A multitude of dishes displayed upon the table. I’m gonna munch as much that I’m inhumanely able.

A mountain of sausage, bacon and black pudding in one tray. Eggs, tomatoes and mushrooms in a second. Hasbrowns, toast and a pot of beans, our bear ravenous hunger beckons.

“Tea for all?” Dad called out nodding at all us three. “Yes please daddy.” The girls responded and he handed us our teas.

All sitting down at the dining room table we all began to eat. Having a happy and loving environment was such a lovely treat.

“So are we ready for school tomorrow? I know it’s been a good few months.” Lacey’s face went from delighted to actually having the hump.

“What’s wrong Lace. Not looking forward to going back to school?”
“It’s nothing major dad I just know that I’m gonna have to deal with that fool!”

That bloody little crack face and her stupid minionettes. No longer would Lace allow them to be any sort of threat.

“Lace we need to learn to not let others bring out our bad!” Lacey knew that, but still she rolled her eyes at dad.

Suddenly I felt unsure and uneasy. Was Lacey planning something? I began to feel quite queasy.

Was it because we stuffed our faces with meat and carbs galore. Or was it because her face embodied danger and much more.

I loved my little Lace, but she’d been through far too much. I didn’t know if the turn around was going to be enough?

Although we were in a better place at last and finally happy. The past had imprinted on her heart and left her feeling kinda crappy.

When I looked her, her purity seemed broken. All that was left was hatred unspoken.

She smiled a pretend smile, they couldn’t see the lie. The lie that was buried deep into her eyes.

She had been taken over by anger and grief. I was honestly mistaken when I thought it was relief.

She had be convoluting but I couldn’t quite understand?
What sort of crushing chaos was about to be at hand?

I watched her through the day pretending to be normal. All the while taking in the pain of it all.

Of course she wasn’t looking forward to going back to school. She had to deal with witches, evil and cruel.

Not quite the level of the adults that she dealt with. But she no longer had her allies to deal with this bitch!

The rest of Sunday we sat wrapped in blankets watching movies. All that screen time left me feeling kinda of loopy.

Loopy and tired we all retired to bed. Lightening bolts firing in my head.

Dad tucked us in and sat upon the covers. He read a story of two star crossed lovers.

Our eyes began to flicker and heaviness took over. Happily falling asleep in our new safe enclosure?

“Good morning girls and good morning to you Teddy! It’s time we started to get ready!”

Dad had laid out our clothes and made us tea and toast. Jam, marmite and marmalade to make our brekkie taste the most!

Sitting at the table and munching on food. Lacey stared at the clock, in a confusing sort of mood.

She seemed ever determined but also a little scared. What would be in-store for us once we were there?

Tip tapping a drizzle on the kitchen window. The weather miserable and the grey skies began to show.

First day back and a walk in the rain it was as dad didn’t drive. The weather starting off sad, then the storm was alive.

Three of us were normally frightened and began to rush along, but Lacey dragged behind, there was something really wrong.

She embraced the storm like it was charging her energy. Giving her power to
cause some sort of spree?
Her eyes widened some kind of crazy, and left an alarm inside of me.

We arrived at the gates as lightening struck at rattled the world around us. Rain poured cats and dogs and the children began to fuss.

The bell began to bellow ushering us in. Lined up we pushed eachother and I nearly ended up in the bin!

Scurry, scurry, hurry we all dashed inside. Bumbles of children far and wide.
Not noticing eachother focused on getting dry. Not noticing her standing behind.

She had seen us though and followed us all the way. Quietly to class stalking like we were her prey.

A harsh bolt crossed Lacey’s leg but she was unsettlingly ready. I fell on my head but her stance was firm and steady.

She turned and glared at Lisa with a disturbing grin. Lisa had no idea what sort of trouble she was in?

“Good morning lovely Lisa.” Lacey shockingly spoke. “I think we should make a mends!?” Surely that was a joke?

Lisa’s face froze in a horrid kind of way. “What the bloody hell did you just say?”

“Well it’s up to you but I’m ready to be friends now. I’m sorry that I hurt you I really was a cow!”

“Yes you were.” Lisa agreed and cocked her head to the side. “Would you like to sit with me once we are inside?”

Lacey smiled the largest smile that I had ever seen. Would we never again feel the wrath from the queen of mean?

She brushed away her minions to make a space for Lace. Both girls sat at the desk pure joy on each face.

Ms Belle filled with glee at such a sight. “It is wonderful to see you girls without the fuss and fight!”

Welcome back Lacey I hope you are ready to get stuck in. Lacey nodded and there again was that grin.

Everyone smiled back but I found it menacing, she wasn’t happy. She was planing something!

Why wouldn’t she tell me and why couldn’t I tell? Usually we thought as one. I was in a personal hell!

And why hadn’t Lisa said anything about me? Had I become cool suddenly?

Together the girls worked on projects giggling but focused. A spell had been cast on them, what was that hocus pocus?

I looked out of the window and the storm was fiercely howling. So much so that the wind sounded like wolves growling.

Whirling past the windows, grey, weather spirits, banging on the glass it really wasn’t clearing.

Faster and louder the thunder did boom, when suddenly we were left in a darkened room.

The lights had gone out and no one could see. “Oh no I really need to pee!”

Lisa looked at Lace nervous and scared. “Don’t worry if miss let’s me I’ll take you there?”

Up shot Lisa’s hand. “Ms B I need the loo.” “Ok it’s dark though please take someone with you.”

Well that was perfect as Lacey had offered. She stood up to help and it felt really awkward!

Lace took Lisa’s hand and found the wall. “Here hold on otherwise we will fall.”

Lace had me in the left and Lisa in the right.
Hands clasped together fingers locked tight.

Lightening the only light leading the way. Darkness throughout to ruin the day.

We got to the top of the stairs. “We have to be careful.” Lisa whispers but Lacey just glares.

“What’s wrong with you, why have you stopped? Come on Lace I need you the dark will get me lost!”

Lacey froze to the spot at the top of the steps. Grabs Lisa’s arm and her smile was less.

“You’ll have to pee here. I’m not going any further.” “I can’t go here!” Lisa screamed bloody murder.

“Shut the hell up if you scream I’ll let go.” “Please don’t Lacey I’ll fall you know.”

“That’s exactly my point. You will fall to your death down the concrete stairs and no one would know that I pushed you down them.”

“It’s dark and we could not see. You slipped and fell. You fucked with me!”

“I’m sorry I know but I thought we got passed that. I mean you beat me up you cut my plaits.”

“You did bad things too Lace you’re not innocent here!” “I know that but you deserved what you got my dear.”

“And you deserve worse you made my life hell! And if you wasn’t here then, OH WELL!”

“Everyone would be better off. Let’s count to ten and then I’ll drop!”

“No Lacey don’t!” I screamed at her. “No one can hear you silly bear.”

“It’s all in my head to make feel better. But what good was that as you couldn’t protect me? It’s time I did something about these monsters then Chloe and I will be set free!”

“But if you do this you won’t ever see Chloe. She’ll grow up without you and who will protect her. I know you dad is doing better but there are still too many monsters!”

Lacey’s eyes began to tear up and smiled at poor frightened Lisa. “He is right you know! She’s too important my little sister!”

“Who’s right, you crazy bitch? What are you talking about? “Billy ofcorse who else you stupid cow?”

“He is just a bloody bear he can’t really talk. You’re such a fuck up, a waste of space that’s all.”

“You’ll never be good enough to get any where in life. All you’ll ever know is trouble and strife.”

Lisa carried on berrading little Lace. Lacey’s body boiled over with rage.

One by one her fingers unfolded, sliding away she loosened her grip. “Bye bye crackface this is your comeupance for being an almighty bitch!”

Everything went in the slowest of motions as Lacey let go of Lisa’s hand. But as she let go Lisa grabbed me making sure that I would go down.

Bump down the stairs our heads went first painting the steps coloured red. Bump all the way down to the bottom and poor Lisa Crackface was bloodied and dead!

Halloween Feast.

Well hello there and happy halloween, its been at least a year since you were last seen, creeping out of your rotting tomb. I know you are hungry, dinner will pass soon.

Oh hi and All Hallows Eve to you. Loving the new accessories on your broom. Please my dear sit with us. Soon there will be a people rush!

There you are, last but not least. Good Halloween vibes to the hairiest beast. Tummy a rumbling? There’s nothing to fear. Our feasts are a coming, they will soon be here.

I will sink in my fangs to rip flesh apart. Gobble on spleen, liver and hearts. A banquet fit for a monstrous horde. But wait we must for our overlord.

Good evening bad sir and thank you for coming. I can hear some of our food a running, close by and fearful a tempestuous stench, feast on an inn keeper savour the wench.

Let us grub on these free range delights. Let them entertain us as they take flight, in hopes to escape their inevitable fate. Straight from the fields and on to our plates.

Wash them all down with a thick, oozy red. Pace yourselves dears it does go to ones head. The strongest of all the euphorias. Our immense pleasure is their dysphoria!

Life courses through me when ever we meet. Gorging on beings and their lovely fresh meat. It’s a shame that it only happens but once a year, now, now my monsters no need to shed tears.

Although this night closes and come to a draw, this abundance of fun, we will have so much more! But we must say good evening and I must take flight. I will meet you all here next year on Halloween night.

The Morning After The Night Before. (Ch14)

This is a fictional story. Chapter 14 of ‘Death of a Teddy’

The morning after the night before. Waking up with our heads so sore.

Not recognising my surroundings, fear and confusing setting in.
My room filled with doctors and nurses, leads coming out from my feet to my chin.

My mind all fuzzy and I felt sick to my stomach. Stings upon my limbs, the pain is too much.
Although there were care givers beside me I had completely had enough!

Nervous and anxious without my trusted teddy, not knowing what to do. Not knowing What happened to Jackson I laid in a pool of my drool.

I turned my head and to my shock Chloe was asleep in bed. Peaceful for once no adults to interrupt her little sleepy head.

Did that mean that he couldn’t keep his promise, so dad just uped and left. I knew I couldn’t trust a single word he said!

Then he walks in, remorse upon his face. “I’m sorry I had to leave they wouldn’t let me stay.”

“I just need to have a conversation with the doctors then when you’re better hopefully we can go home?” The thought of Billy, Chlo and I staying with dad gave me some kind of hope.

“DAD!” Chloe called out desperate for a hug. Stretching out her arms, dad wrapped himself around her nice and snug.

A tall man in a suit waltzed in asking for “Mr Doors?” My dad said “Be right there.” He face seemed quite unsure?

Leaving Billy bear next to me in bed. Chloe joined us and lots of tears were shed.

I said “Chloe now listen what ever happens Billy and I are here. We want to go home with daddy from mummy we must stay clear!”

She smiled a nervous smile, confusion taking over. Every one around us only taught us how to suffer.

Chloe, Billy and I stayed in bed singing songs and telling stories. After a few hours dad walked but he was looking kinda gloomy.

“I’m afraid I have bad news, but you three will stay together. You won’t be coming home with me, but soon girls so not never.

For now you will stay in a home that’s near your school. He hugged Chloe, Billy and I. “I’m going to miss you all!”

“But I will see you all once a week and I promise to be sober and clean. Nothing means more to me than all you three!”

I know dad included Billy just to make me happy. But Billy knew and he appreciated daddy.

I can’t lie not being with dad filled me with dread and sadness, but happy not being back in the evil clutches of madness!

All of the night before came flooding back to me. Knowing what I did to them filling the with glee.

But what happened to Jackson, he needed to be ok? The last thing I remember was his lifeless face.

“DAD where is Jack, is he alright? I need to see him.” As those words cane from my mouth Jackson came bursting in.

He ran to me a squeezed me tight? Oh my gosh that hurt!
But I was happy that Jack was ok and the night before had worked!

I looked at him all bruised and burnt, scars covered his body. Sterling peering through the door, talking to someone in the lobby.

A females voice talking back and the conversation got quite heated. Louder and louder they threw their voices, the patients ears mistreated.

Dad ran out to break it up. “What is all the bother? Oh it’s you!” He exclaimed, come barging in was mother!

My whole being began to shake and a rage flowed right through me. She’s wasn’t getting her hands on us. I lept up, the leads tore out and I began to bleed.

“NO GET OUT WE DON’T WANT YOU HERE!” “Don’t be silly I’m your mother, please calm down dear.”


I started to feel dizzy and dropped upon the bed, falling down and managing to bump my head.

Slowly I started drifting from those that were conscious and my body became limp and lifeless.

“PLEASE EVERYONE GET OUT!” The doctor exclaimed. “SHE’S LOSING A LOT OF BLOOD!” My body writhing in pain.

Every one bustled out of the room. Not knowing what to assume?

“BLEEP, BANG, SCREAM.” The hospital staff worked away. Pumping we full of drugs. I couldn’t stay awake.

Suddenly I was back in that flat tied to that that chair. Instead of people a bunch of demons resided there.

The only one of human being, tied up with no escape. A sinking feeling took over uncertain about my fate?

Hordes of them dancing around me weapons at hand. Surrounding them shit and piss, a stench I could not stand.

One after one they beat and stabbed me, burnt, kicked, spat and punched. Hungrily, their eyes pierced through me I was the demons lunch.

They put down their weapons, opened their mouths wide. Teeth yellow, sharp and rotten and I have no where to hide.

Tearing into my flesh and knawing on my bones, still I stay alert for it, doing it all alone.

Not before long I sit there no more skin and flesh. No more organs just my skeleton plucked fresh.

They carry on feasting on what’s left if me. I’m left bare because of these ravenous beasts.

When they were done the monsters started to transition. Faces and personalities I recognised getting into position.

You see they got life from feeding on my youth. In this instance they had won and all I did was lose.

I couldn’t let that happen that day I would not die and I fought my way back to life and I opened my eyes.

“Oh thank goodness, hey are you alright?” “Yes doctor it will take more than that to kill me I’m defiantly alive!”

Peering through the door my family’s colour drained. I watched all their faces through the window frame.

“Come in she’s ok and doing well she just needs a couple days rest.” I was out from that horrendous journey I have finished my quest.

All I had to do was get back to school. Start my life a new with decent people.

A few weeks went by and I was discharged. A new safe place, going to live it large!

Reunited with Chloe and Billy we munched on lots of pizza. The next day I would go to school as it was time to deal with Lisa!

Kidnap (Ch13)

This is a fictional story. Chapter 13 of ‘Death of a Teddy’

Chloe’s body was trembling in disbelief. “What are you doing mummy?” She cried out whilst squeezing me, then all these men came rushing in.

One man grabbed Chloe and took her away and then she dropped me on the floor. “No please I want Lace!” But she was rushed right out the door.

I looked around by all the chaos, being kicked closer to Lace by all the men. The children had passed out from the pain. I needed to get to them.

Gaggles of men in red masks filled the home in seconds flat. I was being trampled on and used like a door mat.

“DON’T MOVE!” A familiar voice bellowed. “ALL OF YOU GET TO HE FLOOR!” Mum began to pipe up. “What you doing?” “SHUT UP YOU BLOODY WHORE!”

So now the bullies sat in a bundle, sweating, crying and fearing the worst. Shit was going to hit the fan. I needed Lacey out of there first!

The cretins on the floor began to whale, whine and held their stomachs as though they felt pain. As I looked around I noticed they hadn’t clocked on to Lacey’s game.

“What’s wrong with you?” A man asked gruffly. “I need the toilet and I mean now!” Lacey’s eyes began to flicker, she knew it was time to get out!

“Their stomachs are about to blow!” She slurred to the masked men. “Please get Jack and I out of here before it turns into a shit filled den!”

The masked men looked at each other, grabbed the kids and ran out the house. Jack looked at Lacey. “What did you do?” “Don’t worry.” She smiled “We got them back now!”

The stench filled the house in an instant, we’re lucky that we got out. “WHAT THE HELL DID YOU PUT IN THE DRINKS LACE?” The evil mother began to shout!

Being carried to the van by strangers, Lacey began to laugh. “Smelling that crap in the air is making me want a bath.”

The men placed the kids in the back filled with blankets and pillows. Lacey seemed happy and calm as she peered through the back window.

Jack was frantic! “WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?” Sterling ripped his mask off. “Sorry bro I thought you knew?”

“I overheard your plan and wanted to make sure it worked. “Well you bloody scared me, why’d you say nothing jerk?”

“Honestly, I thought you knew, I’d never let you get hurt, did you think I was going to leave you with those berks?”

The brothers began to get teary and hugged each other tight. “Tonight’s been the worst ever, we’ve had such a massive fright!”

“We’re going to take you to the hospital and then we’re going home.” But where on earth were Chloe and Lacey going to go?

The man in the passenger’s seat turned to Lacey and said, “Lace don’t be mad.” “It’s ok I realised who you were as soon as you spoke DAD!”

“I’m so sorry it’s taken so long to get you both away. I promise I’m going to do better and I’m here to stay.”

“I found a place for our family to live, I hope you have space in your heart to forgive?”

“Dad firstly we need to get to a doctor! But how could you leave us with that witch? I really would rather get fostered! Or live in a filthy ditch!”

“You need to promise that you’ll do your best to stay clean. Putting us through all this is just bloody mean!”

“I promise Lace” Dad whispered wiping away a tear. Lacey took a deep breath as to clear away her fear.

So, the van went on fiercely down the road. The children seemed to decline and on their face, it showed.

Their skin turned grey and ashy, their eyes began to glaze. The driver kept on dashing through the busy concrete maze.

There they were poor children in a lifeless haze. They needed to be seen to by a doctor they need to be seen post haste!

“Lacey?” Chloe whimpered, holding out her hand. “HURRY, HURRY, HURRY!” She began to chant to the man driving the van.

Even at such a tender age she noticed the decay. The way Jack and Lacey looked, Chlo had panic on her face.

“DADDY they’re not moving!” She began to freak. He started to shake them and ordered them to speak!

But nothing came from either, not even a breath. Were we about to witness these two children’s deaths?

Suddenly the van came to a holt. Dad and Sterling picked them up and both began to bolt.

Into the hospital we all rushed hastily. “Please doctor you need to help my baby!”

Dad laid Lacey down upon a hospital bed. I could not believe it, could she really be dead?

Dad explained what happened, about the evil witch. That he’d planned to get there earier but came across a hitch.

He was shocked to find them both tied upon a chair. Being beat and burnt by cigarettes, it wouldn’t have happened if he were there!

He began to cry a sea of tears, vast and uncontrollable. “Please you need to help them without these kids I’m completely miserable.”

“We’ll do everything we can Mr Doors, but now we need some space.” But we could all see the worry upon the doctor’s face.

The doors closed upon us, shielding us from view. We all just stood there helpless not knowing what to do?

We waited what felt like hours before the doc came back. Poor dad looked rough, like he was having a heart attack.

The doctor walked so slowly to give us all the news. He mentioned he was worried about all the abuse!

The children were now stable and were coming around. When the staff were checking they didn’t like what they found.

Scars on both their bodies varying in age, accusations flying round. We weren’t on the same page.

The doctor looked at Chloe, “We need to check her too.” “Of course, you can but first tell me what you’re going to do?”

“We just need to check her for bruises, cuts and burns. Come now little one, it’s your turn.”


“It’s alright honey. Can I come with her?” Then we went into a room but the rest was such a blur.

Chloe had some bruises, but from when she fell. Other than that Chloe seemed quite well.

“Mr Doors you can go home but the children must stay for observation. It might only be for tonight but tomorrow we need to have a conversation!”

Dad nodded knowingly, he knew what was going on. What happened to those poor kids was disgustingly wrong!

Dad took me back to the new flat and went straight to bed. But we couldn’t get much sleep with all the disorder in our heads.

A very honest entry.

Do you ever have those conflicting feelings? For instance I hate the way I look right now because I’m fat and disgusting. However I have a massive urge to stuff my face with carbs and dairy, also sushi but I always crave sushi! I’m not actually stuffing my face but I am fantasizing about a feast of sushi and cheese dip with loads of crisps/chips. At the same time I’m visualizing myself at my biggest with this stupid hair, no makeup not wearing a bra. So basically me right now except I’ve lost 3 stone since May. Me at my most raw.

I genuinely hate myself at this particular moment in time and that’s not something I’ve dealt with for a while. Having stage 4 cancer for 2 years probably allowed me to take it a little easier on the self hate? You see the more you dislike yourself the more you spiral into some sort of hobby and sometimes some of those hobbies become addictive. Now I was never an alcoholic but I was QUEEN of the binge drinkers and we all know that a bitch likes to eat! When you gorge yourself on food and booze you tend to put on weight real fast!

It was such a tangled web of shit. I was chubby so I ate my feelings and so I hated myself and I drank those feelings. The cycle kept on going until I got really fat and literally dropped down and nearly died. Not saying it was the gorging myself that nearly killed me I was seriously ill, but shit did it kick me up the arse! So for the last 2 years I stopped hating myself, but I still hated life because you know being so sick you don’t know whether you’ll live to see your next birthday is really fucking messed up!

I’m not 100% sure why I’ve decided to be so candid with this today but if I was to guess it would be a mixture of looking at myself sober and hearing bad news (not about myself) but when you go through something like I have you make friends and sometimes those friends don’t survive. I wasn’t even there to be a shoulder for the others when they found out today because I stayed home. I found out through a very close friend via text.

Since the news, my gut has been doing somersaults. You know that in life the worst happens and even though it’s right in front of you, you’re not ready for it when it comes. I feel so guilty. They were good and kind and real. They tried so hard to make themselves fit for their family. Yet I sit on my bed most hours and most days dwindling away the precious time I’ve been so graciously given. To be honest I didn’t start writing this to mention the horrid news and won’t go into more detail as I don’t think that is my story to tell and there are people far closer to that wonderful person. I feel a fraud for mentioning them really.

Someone who I can mention though is my nan. I know that my closest friends know but I struggled to talk about this loss. Especially with my family and again its because of the guilt. I was the one that got better, but I wasn’t the one that kept the whole family together. The one that did lost the fight. She was the best person in the world. I know we all say that about the people we love but I mean it she really was. She endured many things and came through them a generous, loving and powerful woman. A real role model for my mum, my sister and I. As I am saying this I’m thinking about my other nan who was just the same. I need to give a shout out to them both.

Both grandmothers lost to that horrible disease. If I’m not mistaken both grandfathers too? Each of them wonderful people and all of them fighters. People say I am strong for what I’ve been through but am I really? What the hell am I doing with myself? NOTHING! So that’s why I hate myself at the moment, and that hate is making me want to stuff my face and get rat arsed. I can handle not racing to my vices now though and I suppose I’ve answered my question now? I’m not sure I’m even going to post this? Don’t get me wrong I’m all for honestly and vulnerability from people but I’m not sure if this is too much?

Well I suppose I should some this up? Wonderful people have gone and it makes me mad but mostly guilty. Guilty that I sit on my fat, ugly arse and do naff all to help myself get out of the rut I’m in. I know it looks like I’m doing better and I really have been, but having days like these really stops you in your tracks! If you take anything from this let it be that you fight for the best life you can possibly strive for, for as long as you are able and remember those that did that but lost. They will be forever in our memories and our hearts!!!

Posted for the world to see.

This is not a true event for me, but is for a lot of people and we need to stop the disgusting creeps spreading private media when it’s not needed! Lives have been lost because of it. IT HAS TO STOP!!!

I woke today the same as before and typically picked up my phone. Checking up on the world I’m too scared to explore so I’m left alone.

Going through everyone’s perfect lives, well as one would portray. To come across myself in the most peculiar way.

Visuals I would never put on public display. Nausea took over in fear of what you all would say.

A sight of me so raw, unfinished and disgraced. After this I trust no more I’ve been sordidly betrayed.

Someone snuck up to my window and took a little peek. Took out a camera and snapped me a lot this week.

There were pictures of me eating, drinking having a laugh. Even ones of me undressing to get into the bath.

My all laid before the whole world to see, a sickness started to grow viciously inside of me.

People telling their uncensored truth. Had me panicking through the roof.

All your shameful comments of my life so private. Myself unknowing if I would survive this?

And although I knew this would soon be yesterday’s news, the terror of now is just too much to prove.

To prove to you all that I shouldn’t care and some one else had without permission laid me bare.

Took my vulnerability and posted it all to see, even with you talking I’ve never felt so lonely.

Nothing but dread is left of me. If I was dead then would you see? It was a bit of fun really. But NO in truth you’re a fucking bully.

So low and bored you ruin an others life. Cause them mass pain and strife.

To the point they don’t want to breathe, make their blood boil and seethe.

Yet no, I will not let the dirty pigs spread their sin. I will not let them win. So after all this I will scramble up the courage to take it on the chin.

And your comments that tell me I’m disgusting and should die, will fizzle out and blow away sky high.

For I don’t know you and you mean nothing to me. I live for myself so up yours everybody!

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